Why is taking responsibility something I talk about, a lot? I have found that it is extremely difficult to move forward and create something different in your life UNLESS you are willing to accept your part in your current situation. I have observed that folks who refuse to do this are continually creating situations they don't like and do not want to experience in their life. However, instead of taking responsibility, they will always blame others, the economy, their boss, their spouse, anyone but themselves. There is always a BUT attached to their story. Why is this so important? Unless you accept responsibility you are stuck in replay, over and over you will have the same or similar circumstances re-occur in your live. You feel hopeless and powerless. And you are, because you have given away your ability to change the circumstances in your life by refusing to realize that you have contributed to creating this outcome.
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!! Accept that you have helped to create what you don't like in your life AND you can create a different (and improved) outcome by accepting the responsibility. Now you have the power to create change in your life. You can examine your circumstances and determine what you need to change. What can you do differently? Is there someone you know or have read about that is creating the results you desire? What are they doing differently? Who do you need to be or what do you need to do to get different results? YOU HAVE THE POWER! Refuse to be a victim of circumstances. Make the changes, start right now.
Many times we think we are taking responsibility but we aren't. Instead we are creating resistance, or guilt. We judge ourselves and wallow in those negative feelings. This is actually a smoke screen for not taking responsibility. If you feel guilty find a process to release it, just let it go. Are you resisting? Perhaps you feel the situation is unfair, why does it have to be so difficult? The more you resist the more you will be stuck; mired down in the place you absolutely do not wish to be!! How do I know? I have been there, done that. Fortunately I was working with an excellent coach at the time that helped me to recognize just how much resistance I was in which allowed me to move out of it. Resistance is something I am pretty good at and I understand just how easy it is to stay stuck in. Face it and move through it. Never, ever give away your power to blame, guilt, or resistance.
It is often miraculous how empowering it can be when you step fully into responsibility. One of my clients experienced this in her relationship with her husband. She wasn't happy but realized that she still loved him and wanted to improve their relationship.
At first she just wanted her spouse to change – not a very successful approach. But when she decided to take responsibility for what she could change – herself, things changed in amazing ways. We cleared some old childhood/young adult programming in her unconscious that was no longer serving her and created new responses to circumstances that were triggering her. She was empowered to change what she didn't like by changing herself and her relationship with her husband improved, dramatically.
The moral of this story is that you can't change another, but you can change how you respond and react to others. No one can wave a magic wand and remove a tragedy or natural disaster, but you can determine how you respond. Will you become a victim or a victor? Life can be very challenging at times but never give up your power by blaming – you determine the final outcome. Use your power to create wisely and consciously and create a life of joy and abundance.
This week I am sharing with you my top five life lessons. These are lessons I have learned by failing and struggling and facing my failures. I don’t claim to have them mastered. I know better than to think that, as the last time I felt I had MASTERED a universal law, the universe decided to show me just how many more layers there were before I neared mastery. I do know these are truths that I try to honor in my life and grow better at, every day.
My lessons did not come easily. Like so many of us my best qualities can also be my worst. I am stubborn and strong willed which keeps me going in the worst of times but it can also keep me stuck! Very stuck. I trust people which can also get me into trouble. I am a middle child and don't like dissension and drama, but sometimes you have to speak up and take charge. I have been up and down a few more times than I would prefer and I have learned this wisdom the hard way! Here are my top five.
Do you have the courage to face the truth about what keeps you from creating the life you desire? It is much easier to place blame on the outer circumstances that surround us, our boss, the economy, our family, our education, or lack of resources. I could make an endless list. But the truth is those things will seldom change permanently for us unless we change something within us. Usually this has to take place at a very core level. This deep inner work is not for the faint of heart.
I was reminded of just how powerful the pull is to stay in that place we don't want to be several times in the past few weeks. I was at a lunch meeting for a large organization and I sat down next to a woman I know through business. She is lovely, intelligent, and vibrant, but when she needed to speak in front of the other woman sitting at our table she froze and made a statement under her breath that she just couldn't do public speaking. After lunch I mentioned to her that I have helped other women with similar issues and she did not even want to discuss it! There is no question in my mind that this inability to speak in front of people is having a negative impact on her career. However, she seemed even more afraid of exploring the possibility of letting go of this issue that is holder her back than living with it.
A week later I was at a business presentation with another woman I had met several years before at a business organization I had been a member of. I asked her if she was still a member and she answered that she was no longer involved because she had developed “social anxiety”. I asked her if she would like to get rid of it. She looked at me rather surprised, stammered and said she wasn't sure – that it was causing her problems in her business but she had just hired some people to go to public events for her so she was OK with it at least for now.
WOW – I have learned it accept this type of response but it can be challenging to see people allow things to hold them back when they don’t have to. We are all on our own path – but as someone who is called to help others it requires some self-management on my part to honor their path. I have learned to be OK with this – or at least keep my mouth shut!
I understand, not just from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one. There have been times in my life when it felt easier to deny my contribution to circumstances in my life that I didn't like. I was working with an amazing coach at the time and she pointed out I might have some resistance about a particular issue – my response was ABSOLUTELY NOT! Anyone would think that it sucked if they were in the same place. I then had to laugh at myself because I immediately realized that she was correct and I spent a lot of time journaling on my resistance. So when it comes to wanting to point the finger away from me instead of focusing on myself I have been there and done that!
It can be a difficult path to take. I have empathy for those who are more comfortable staying in their place of “pain” I have come to understand self-development and deep inner work is not for everyone. The journey is well worth it, but to be willing to face and honor the truth about ourselves is definitely a path for the few, the courageous. Are you one?
Is your point of view (POV) reality? We usually feel that how we view something is real – at least for us. But is this true? The truth is that our experience of the world is based on our beliefs and how we perceive the world. If we view something as a difficult situation, hard to overcome, you can be sure it will “feel” that way to us. However, another person may view this same situation as simply a challenge to overcome, perhaps even one that they welcome. Their experience will be just that – excitement and growth at overcoming this challenge.
BUT, you say, there are some things that are just BAD! Yes, and no, there are some tragedies that are very painful and still some people can find a way to create good from them. I learned this lesson many years ago when I was a Real Estate Agent. I had a client who had lost his home and pretty much everything he had, to a very destructive hurricane that had hit south Florida. He, his wife and children had all escaped unharmed but they had lost everything else. Wow – most would consider this a disaster of great magnitude. However, he had wanted for some time to move from that area of the country and realized that this was a gift which allowed him to relocate his family. He referred to the hurricane as Uncle Andy, who had blessed his family. Yes, they had lost a lot, but he found the “gift” in a situation that many would have become a victim of. Working with him was a blessing to me as I learned the power of perspective or POV and that you never have to become a victim unless you chose to. He showed me in real life how you turn a lemon into lemonade.
Are you willing to be a victim of circumstances or are you going to become a victor? One of the most valuable skills in creating a successful life is to be able to look at your circumstance from different perspectives. When you do it opens up endless possibilities. Even from an experience that could easily be labeled a tragedy or disaster. Every successful person I know has had many difficulties and problems in their lives – they simply look at them from different perspectives than less successful folks. As long as you feel that you are a victim of something you will be. But the choice is yours. I have experienced difficult times in my life. I got totally stuck in them UNTIL I decided to not be a victim. Life is not always easy BUT we often create most of our own difficulties by how we view them. There is always a way out, up, around, or over.
It can also be the smaller things we get stuck in. Perhaps we rise to the occasion when facing those large challenges. But how about our everyday experiences? How much added stress do we create in our lives by becoming upset and angry when we are stuck in traffic? Or perhaps we are dealing with rude or difficult people. The POV we choose with everyday difficulties can make a huge difference in how we experience our life. You chose a POV or perspective that allows you more joy and peace as move through your day – rather than stress and unhappiness. It truly is your choice. If you are waiting for your outer circumstances to change, for you to be happy, and at peace – it will never happen. You have to find peace and joy within yourself – then your outer world will reflect that back to you.
Creating a happy, successful life is up to you. Make the decision now to create a new perspective and move forward, today. I challenge you to view your circumstances from a new POV. Are you ready?
Feel you need some help creating a success mindset? Go to my web site, pattytolar.com, and download my Free Create Success Journal, a 30 day breakthrough program to create a mindset for success.
So many people today feel like their life is out of control. Life is too fast, too busy, and just too confusing. Is there a way to take control of your life instead of life controlling us? Is it possible to live in this fast paced, often crazy world and still have a sense of ease and contentment? Maybe even have a sense of being in control? Yes, yes, and yes, at least most of the time.
But, and of course there is big but, you have to make the decision to let go of your story, the one about your life being out of control, and create a new one. You can take control and be in charge of your life if you REALLY want to. It will require you to start making decisions from a different prospective. You will also have to “dance to a different drummer”. To stand apart and not go along with the crowd, just because everyone else is living their life that way, doesn't mean you have to!
It would be much easier if you live on top of a mountain in a monastery. Living in the everyday world and achieving a sense of balance in your daily routine requires commitment and determination. And more than a little planning and organization. I won't tell you it will be easy, but it is more than worth the effort!
Where do you start? First you must be conscious of your values. What do you value most, the values that are vital to you, living a fulfilled life. Here is a list of many common ones – if yours is not listed please add it.
Relationships with friends
Relationships with your children
Connection with nature
Travel With Others
Time with others
Time for Creativity
Think about which ones are most important to you and rate them from 1 to 10. Now take a step back and really look at your list. Are you honoring what you rated as most important? We feel out of balance when we do not honor our highest values in the way we live our lives. Often we are so busy just doing, trying to survive, that we do not take time for what we value most. This leaves us feeling drained, over whelmed, exhausted, and out of control. Unless we are honoring our highest values we will never feel fulfilled and at peace. We try to solve the situation by adding more to our schedules, when need to SUBTRACT some things from our calendars or make different choices. How much of what you do honors who you want to be and how you desire to live your life?
Which values on the list are most out of balance? Write down the three you most want to bring into balance and make a plan that will incorporate them into your daily schedule. It may require you to make a different decision about how you are spending your time. If your spirituality is of high importance can you trade the time you spend watching TV for time meditating, praying, reading or listing to spiritual CDs? If your relationships are important, where can you carve out time for them? We tend to believe that our schedules are too full to add activities but we may simply need to make different choices as to where we spend our time. To live a life that is in balance we must get off automatic pilot and start taking control of how we spend our time and make decisions consciously based on what we really value.
And what if you could step away from it all for 2-3 days? Take time to breath, meditate, relax, laugh, and from this perspective reconnect to your highest values and create a plan for your life from this place? If you are interested in exploring this possibility watch for more information on my Women's Reset Weekend Retreats. A weekend for you to reset your life or you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I had so many emails and comments on last week's blog about our stories that I decided to write some more about them this week. Much of the work I do centers around helping my clients change their stories so they can get unstuck and move forward in the direction they want to go. We often believe that it is outer circumstances or another person that causes us to be in a place we don't want to be. The truth is that we keep ourselves stuck because it serves to re-enforce our stories. This is not something that we do intentionally, but happens on an unconscious level.
Often as I help my clients become aware of their unconscious story that is keeping them stuck and frustrated, they have a very difficult time accepting it. Their response will be “But it is the truth! I did have this difficult experience happen to ME!” And I would never disagree – you have experienced these circumstances, which may include an extremely difficult childhood, financial challenges, health issues, relationship failures, accidents, loss of a loved one, or losing your job. Yes, they did happen and they may have been extremely painful. But the good news is that we have the ability to choose how we want to perceive them, which can change everything. How they influence us and what we are creating in our lives.
Yes, they are real and you did suffer from them, but do you want to continue to suffer from them or would you prefer to heal the pain and move forward? It is up to you. How you perceive these experiences makes a difference on how they affect what you create in your life and how you experience life. Changing your story can make a difference in ways that can be very unexpected.
I was working with a business coaching client who has Fibromyalgia. She called me in extreme pain, very frustrated because she was in so much pain she was unable to work effectively. Her pain was so extreme her chiropractor would not work on her. She was desperate! We agreed that there was nothing to lose by doing a quick session. Her perception of the pain was that it was her enemy, there to cause her suffering and make her life miserable. As we worked she begin to understand the real purpose of the pain was to HELP HER! Its purpose was to get her attention and make her aware of how little self-care she practiced. How she skipped meals and pushed herself too far without rest or exercise. She was astonished and started to shift her prospective of the pain. And by doing so she went from a level 10 pain to a level 2 during the session. She changed her story from the pain being the enemy to it being her friend and protector
To change our stories we must first become conscious of them. We must have the courage to really own them so we can change them. So often there is another very difficult step and that is overcoming the resistance we have to letting them go and creating new stories about who we are and how we want our life to be. That is when we proclaim “But it is real!” Yes it is real but do you want to keep it? Is it serving who you want to be and what you want to create in your life? You alone can answer those questions. Often it requires help, but you are the only one that can change your stories.
Yes, you can change your stories, and YES, it will make a big impact on your life. Do you have the courage to go within to change your life?